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Stirfry from Salad: Thinking Outside the Bowl and Other Ideas

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Tea Time Can Also Mean Kapi & Madras Mix

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Living Apart and Together: The Optimum Balance – Room for Debate

A New American Experiment

Bella DePaulo

Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, is the author of “Singled Out.” She writes the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today.

Updated February 12, 2012, 7:00 PM

There are so many ways to live and love. The sentimentalized image of Mom, Dad and the kids gathered around the hearth has had its day. A new American experiment has begun. We’re not all going nuclear anymore.

Among the innovators are people of all ages who are single at heart. They are not single because they have issues or because they have not yet found a partner. They are not looking. Single is who they really are. Many are in the market for places of their own. So, too, are plenty of divorced and widowed people and single parents whose children have grown.

We’re not all going nuclear anymore. The results can be far more fulfilling than the same old boxes.

An unlikely demographic has also joined the quest for solo living – committed couples. In a trend dubbed “living apart together,” the two people maintain homes of their own not because far-flung jobs demand that but because they want it. A study of married couples at two different points in time showed that even living together under the same roof is not what it used to be. In 2000, the couples were less likely to eat together or work on projects together than they were in 1980. They also had fewer friends in common.

Are we all just crying out for more solitude and separation?

I think not. What we are really seeking is the optimum balance of time alone and time together. It is the social and personal quest that transcends marriage, family status, age, race and just about every other demographic characteristic.

Walk outside the door of the people living solo and you may just find a sibling or lifelong friend in the neighborhood or even in the same building. That’s not happenstance. In a variation on the same theme, people live in the same home with some private spaces and some shared.

Adults approaching the end of their working years are opting out of “retirement homes” and instead creating their own communities. Singles and couples, friends and family members, plan years in advance where and how they want to live. Rather than stepping into someone else’s vision of how to age, they are inventing their own, complete with roommates or neighbors of their own choosing.

Sometimes people are jolted into shared living by economic challenges or natural disasters. Young adults or parents with small children move in with their own parents. Friends welcome friends into their homes to ride out the rough patch. The new doubled-up arrangements can be experienced as little more than a hardship. Occasionally, though, the sailing is so smooth and warm that all agree to continue. When people organically develop their own experiments in living, the results can be far more fulfilling than the solutions unpacked from the same old boxes from the past.

Alongside all of the imaginative designs for living generated in free-wheeling conversations by a pair of friends here or a group of baby boomers there, are options that are becoming systematized. Co-housing, co-ops, pocket neighborhoods, co-parenting and condos with dual master bedrooms are just a few examples. Sometimes the community members share an identity – perhaps as artists or single parents or home-schoolers; other times, the main connection is affection. These living arrangements are the communes of the 21st century.

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On This Day: February 13

Updated February 12, 2012, 1:28 pm

NYT Front Page

On Feb. 13, 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J., found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-death of the infant son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. Hauptmann was later executed.

Go to article »

On Feb. 13, 1910, William Shockley, the controversial Nobel Prize-winning physicist whose work led to the miniaturization of radio, TV and computer circuits, was born. Following his death on Aug. 12, 1989, his obituary appeared in The Times.

Go to obituary » | Other birthdays »

 

 

Historic Birthdays

William Shockley 2/13/1910 – 8/12/1989 American engineer, teacher and Nobel Prize-winner.Go to obituary »
72 Giovanni Battista Piazzetta 2/13/1682 – 4/28/1754
Italian painter, illustrator and designer
65 John Hunter 2/13/1728 – 10/16/1793
English surgeon and founder of pathological anatomy
45 Lord Randolph Churchill 2/13/1849 – 1/24/1895
English politician and father of Winston Churchill
68 Leopold Godowsky 2/13/1870 – 11/21/1938
Russian-bn. American pianist and composer
65 Feodor Chaliapin 2/13/1873 – 4/12/1938
Russian operatic bass
80 Georgios Papandreou 2/13/1888 – 11/1/1968
Greek Prime Minister three times
50 Grant Wood 2/13/1891 – 2/12/1942
American painter
86 Georges Simenon 2/13/1903 – 9/4/1989
Belgian novelist
84 Pauline Frederick 2/13/1906 – 5/9/1990
American television news correspondent

 

 

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"I feel threatened by you listening to me sleep!"

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Robinson Crusoe, 1997

I was too busy and consumed with the great domestic enterprise of bearing children and tending to them when this movie first came out, which is why I completely missed it in 1997.  But all these years later, thanks to Netflix’s great feature of viewing movies on demand, I had the pleasure of watching this most recent adaptation of Daniel Defoe’s great classic by the same name.

One of the very first thoughts that occurred to me regarding the theme of the story was the many movies and television programs it has since inspired.  Before there was Tom Hanks’ Castaway, and the hugely popular Lost series on TV, there was Robinson Crusoe. 

A most awe-inspiring tale of courage and perseverance in the face of adversity on an island populated by savages, Robinson Crusoe is a man’s man.  Ship-wrecked and devoid of help but not hope, Crusoe goes about the business of examining the broken pieces of the wreckage around him, including his life, and one day at a time builds it up again, all the while mindful of the hand of providence that gives and takes away.  Notwithstanding the shock of his utter misfortune, and the obvious fear and despair that must have come from it, we see next to nothing of any bitterness in Crusoe; instead, we see this larger than life man who is as clear about shooting down savages to rescue those placed upon a sacrificial altar as he is to befriend one of the natives and teach him his ways.  It is from this forging of a friendship that the famous Man Friday character comes forth.

Before you are quick to dismiss the story as a hallmark of eighteenth-century propaganda advocating imperialistic notions of empire and hegemony, I would recommend you take another look at the somewhat more subtle themes of egalitarianism, friendship, tolerance, and peace-building as exemplified in the characters of Crusoe and Friday.  It is these concepts that form the foundation of civilization, and Defoe explores these in greater detail in the book– that was authored in 1719.

As for Mr. Pierce Brosnan as Crusoe, the man is in fine form, and wasn’t offered to play the role of James Bond for nothing.  He handles both gun and and gun-powder as skilfully as he builds tree-houses and befriends Friday, and, as a bonus– to set up the story, we are also offered a glimpse of his life prior to the big shipwreck where he is consistently the gentleman in love and war.

Defoe’s book is an epic story that transcends class, culture, and religion, and this most recent adaptation of the story on film is a worthy rendition.

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Stone, 2010

In one of the most brilliant performances by Robert De Niro in recent times, this is an incredible story of self-control, desperation, corruption, love, betrayal, loyalty, and the pathos of a society that sustains its economy with a maximum security prison.  As the seemingly circumspect parole officer, De Niro personifies the bureaucrat and the hard-nosed prison official– doing the right thing because he knows that he must, but also succumbing to his dark impulses because he seems to have no control over them.

The line between the law enforcer and the law breaker is a very thin one, and one that is prone to damage sooner or later.  This is a story of how long that line remains drawn, and the slow but sure blurring of it.

In addition to De Niro, there are other performances, equally strong and stirring:  there’s Ed Norton’s character called Stone, the quintessential white-trash boy, and his strangely amoral wife, Milla Jovovich.  Also, the quiet desperation as portrayed by Frances Conroy, De Niro’s long-suffering wife Madylyn, who is as devout as she is an addict is masterful.

The story, incidentally is set in the suburbs of Detroit– an area that I am personally acquainted with.

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